"In Chicago it's difficult to tell who's a mobster, a businessman, or a politician."
-- From Alderman Roti's Nephew Frank "Toots" Caruso's Name Comes Up in Family Secrets Chicago Mob Trial
DING DONG
PUNDITA: [putting on a French accent] Oui?
DAVID PLOUFFE: I urgently need to speak to The Amazing Pundita! My name is David Plouffe. I'm the campaign manager for Barack Obama's presidential campaign and I must speak with The Amazing Pundita!
PUNDITA: Madame is indisposed. Call for an appointment next year.
DING DONG DING DONG KNOCK! KNOCK!
PUNDITA: Oui?
PLOUFFE: Please tell her I'm here to ask for magic lessons! I'll pay any price!
PUNDITA: [opening the door a crack and reverting to her small-town Washington, DC twang] Did David Axelrod end up at the bottom of a river?
PLOUFFE: Pardon?
PUNDITA: Isn't Axelrod the campaign manager?
PLOUFFE: Oh! I see -- no, no, he's the master strategist; I'm the campaign manager.
PUNDITA: David Plouffe? David Plouffe? Where have I heard that name before? Have you managed other political campaigns?
PLOUFFE: A few here and there.
PUNDITA: What do you want?
PLOUFFE: I need to make the city of Chicago disappear. I don't want to hurt anybody but could I just send it to another plane or something until December? Is that possible?
PUNDITA: With practice anything is possible. [ushering Plouffe into the parlor] Why Chicago?
PLOUFFE: Have you heard about Stuart Levine's testimony on Monday at Tony Rezko's trial?
PUNDITA: Then why not simply make the trial disappear? Why an entire city? Think carefully before you lie a second time to someone you believe can make a city vanish.
PLOUFFE: No no I wasn't lying, I just wasn't answering. Chicago -- have you ever been there?
PUNDITA: No.
PLOUFFE: It's a wonderful -- it's a fascinating -- oh hell; it's a cesspool. Look, do you want to see the presidential campaign come down to the Democratic nominee having to keep explaining and explaining about every little thing that doesn't meet the smell test for somebody who's never lived in a big city?
All I'm asking is to make Chicago vanish for a few months. If you can teach me to do that I'll pay anything you ask. And if he gets into the White House -- you want the US in Iraq for a hundred years? How about if you get to name the Secretary of State? I promise; anything you want!
PUNDITA: Have you considered that your request is a slippery slope? Chicago today. But how do I know you won't show up next week asking to make Kenya vanish?
PLOUFFE: Oh no; I think we can talk our way around Kenya! It's just Chicago; I promise.
PUNDITA: All right; I can give you a free trial lesson to test your aptitude for magic. However, it would take more practice than you have time for to learn to make something actually disappear.
What you can learn with reasonable practice is to transform something into something else. So while you can't make Chicago disappear, you can learn to transform it into another city. How does that option sound to you?
PLOUFFE: That sounds wonderful! How about changing Chicago into Pittsburgh?
PUNDITA: Follow me.
PLOUFFE FOLLOWS PUNDITA INTO THE BACK YARD.
PUNDITA: We'll start with transforming something small and simple into something else that's small and simple. [pointing her magic wand at a passing chipmunk] Bunny.
THE CHIPMUNK TRANSFORMS INTO A BUNNY. PUNDITA HANDS THE WAND TO PLOUFFE.
PUNDITA: Now all you have to do is transform the bunny back to what it was originally. Ready?
PLOUFFE POINTS THE WAND AT THE BUNNY.
PLOUFFE: Gee, once you have the wand in your hand you realize it's a power so awful --
THE BUNNY TRANSFORMS INTO A 20-FOOT TALL TARANTUALA AND ADVANCES ON PLOUFFE.
PLOUFFE: [screaming in terror] Help!
PUNDITA: What begins with "C" and ends with --
PLOUFFE: [swinging the wand at a tarantula leg] This is awful!
THE TARANTULA TRANSFORMS INTO THE SEPOY MUTINY OF 1857.
PUNDITA: [diving under a patio table] What begins with "C" and ends with "K?"
PLOUFFE: [ducking rifle fire and thwacking the wand at a lunging sepoy] Who are these crazy people?
THE SEPOY MUTINY TRANSFORMS INTO THE PRESENT SENIOR FELLOWS OF THE COUNCIL ON FOREIGN RELATIONS
PUNDITA: [screaming in terror] WHAT BEGINS WITH "C" AND ENDS WITH "K?"
PLOUFFE: Chappaquidick?
PUNDITA: Gimme! [snatching the wand from Plouffe and pointing it at the CFR] CHIPMUNK!
THE COUNCIL ON FOREIGN RELATIONS TRANSFORMS INTO THE CHIPMUNK.
PLOUFFE: [collapsing into a lawn chair] That's a chipmunk? I thought it was a rat.
PUNDITA FANS HER FACE WITH A HANDKERCHIEF, THEN MATERIALIZES A SHOT OF SOUR MASH WHISKEY AND GULPS IT DOWN.
PLOUFFE: Well! How do you think I did for a first try?
PUNDITA: Aside from you almost being eaten by a spider from outer space, run through with a saber and giving me heart failure? In future you might want to avoid situations where your life depends on listening to instructions.
PLOUFFE: I promise I'll listen more carefully in the second lesson!
PUNDITA: There can't be a second lesson because there's an old saying in these parts: A man who can't tell between a chipmunk and a rat won't know the difference between his promises and lies.
* * * * *
Convicted felons, associates of the American Mafia, Mafia-corrupted labor unions, Mafia-tainted gambling casinos, international con artists, including wanted fugitives, and associates of Islamic terrorists are among those who have contributed to the campaigns of Senator Robert "The Torch" Torricelli, an analysis of Federal Election Commission records, published reports, and other documents reveals. [...]
In 1996 Torricelli was caught on an FBI wiretap soliciting contributions over a telephone at a Florida pizza parlor under surveillance for suspected Mafia ties, the Associated Press’ John Solomon would later report. Among those captured speaking with Torricelli were Francis and Sam Roti, the nephews of Fred Roti, a Chicago politician convicted in 1993 of racketeering, bribery, and extortion with members of the Chicago Mafia Family and the Laborers Union.
On the FBI tapes Torricelli asks for $1,000 contributions from the Rotis and their associates and the Rotis then suggest that their native Chicago would be a good place for Torricelli to raise funds, even though Chicago is a thousand miles away from the constituents Torricelli would represent. [...]
In February [2001], the New York Times reported that three top Aides to Torricelli, Adam Crain, Executive Assistant Roberta Stern, and former campaign manager David Plouffe, had received letters from the Justice Department notifying them they were targets of the investigation into the 1996 Torricelli campaign. [...]
If Torricelli is not indicted, it will lend credence to those on the political Right who have claimed a Special Prosecutor should have handled these cases from the beginning, noting that while several "small fish" were convicted -- and given minor sentences -- not a single politician who was a recipient of these illegal funds was ever charged."
-- From In the Money: Senator Robert Torricelli And His Campaign Contributors
No comments:
Post a Comment