[A lab technician in a contamination suit wheels in a very elderly man wearing a bib]
PUNDITA: Good -- [whump screeeeeeeeeeeeee]
[The technician adjusts the microphone on Pundita's contamination suit]
PUNDITA: Good evening to our audience. I am speaking to you from Level D at Grape Island, a super-secret bioterror research facility located somewhere near the coast of the United States. With me is noted bioterrorism researcher Dr. Yuri Shaha -- Shash -- Shashak --
DR YURI SHASHIKOVITCH: You may call me Dr. Yuri. Remember the Battle of Stalingrad!
PUNDITA: Yes, I will. Dr. Yuri, I notice you are not wearing a contamination suit.
DR YURI: No need. I've already had every disease known to man.
PUNDITA: When did it first come to your attention that certain American journalists were suffering from a supervirus that causes brain necrosis?
DR YURI: We noticed they are all exhibiting symptoms of the early stage of infection. Glassy eyes, tingling in the extremities, degradation of higher cognitive functions including inability to recognize simple patterns of behavior in Barack Obama, memory loss -- inability to remember simple details about Obama's past -- and bouts of euphoria followed by paranoia when hearing criticism of Barack Obama.
PUNDITA: That sounds awful! What are the symptoms of the advanced stage of the disease?
DR YURI: Basically, the brain melts and oozes through the eyeballs.
PUNDITA: Then the disease is fatal!
DR YURI: For American journalists, no, not necessarily. Remember the Siege of Leningrad!
PUNDITA: Yes, Dr Yuri, I will. Why do you think the virus is only attacking certain journalists covering Obama's campaign? Why not those covering the other presidential contenders?
DR YURI: This disease is a variation of Tribal Chieftain Brain Necrosis, which peculiarly strikes halfwits with totemic impulses. There could be a genetic predisposition but we are still trying to isolate the primary site of infection. Right now we suspect the Hamptons during mosquito season and an ingredient used by a certain national coffee shop chain.
PUNDITA: I hope you're not suggesting that an occasional latte or cappuccino might cause Obama Brain Necrosis!
DR YURI: It wouldn't necessarily be the latte itself, but possibly an ingredient contaminated by rat droppings if the rat had been bitten by a mosquito that we theorize carries the virus. Remember the Battle of Khalkhin Gol!
PUNDITA: Yes, Dr Yuri, I will. Now we arrive at the delicate question. Do you find any indication this virus is man-made?
DR YURI: It was originally a naturally occurring virus that was tweaked by the Japanese Imperial Army after they discovered it wiped out half a brigade in Burma. Then it was stolen and tweaked by the Red Chinese army, which sold it to a rouge KGB agent, who sold it to Idi Amin, who sold it a terror outfit in the Caucasus, which sold it to Pakistan, which sold it to another group in the Caucasus. We lost track of it after it was bartered for light arms to a Bosnian group, until it popped up in the Hamptons.
PUNDITA: This sounds like a very frightening virus!
DR YURI: Not if you only have half a brain to begin with and won't miss the other half. Remember the Battle of Moscow!
PUNDITA: Yes, Dr Yuri, I will. Is there medical help for Obama Brain Necrosis?
DR YURI: We're trying to scare up funding for vaccine research.
************************************************
Cross-posted, with pix, at Rezko Watch.
No comments:
Post a Comment