Wednesday, March 19

The Obama Plan for beating al Qaeda: talk them to death

2:30 AM March 17, the Obama residence:

"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty ..." [click scribble scribble] "I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed ... "[click scribble scribble] "And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you -- ask what you can do for your country..." [click scribble scribble] "So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself -- nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror ..." [click] No, that might offend the Muslim vote.

[raising his voice] Hon, can you make a fresh pot of coffee and bring me my DVDs for the Zig Ziglar and Les Brown motivational speeches?

[shouted from the bedroom] "DO I LOOK LIKE HATTIE MCDANIEL TO YOU?"

That's okay, dear, you get your sleep. I'm just trying to write the most important speech of my life. [muttering] I'm surrounded by idiots. Every time she opens her mouth I fall six points in the polls. Then you'd think when everyone in Chicago starts referring to you as "Tony The Fixer" this would be a clear message to take a long vacation in Syria. And you'd think the church ladies would stop shrieking "Hallelujah Brother Barack!" long enough to yank the Wright DVDs on sale in the gift shop.

[scribble scribble scribble scribble] Okay, let's see how this floats.

[Brrrrrinnnng! Brrrrrinnnng!]

David Axelrod: [groggily] "Hullo?"

The eighth draft is ready. Tell me what you think.

Axelrod: [interrupting after the 50th paragraph] "For crying out loud, the entire Gettysburg Address is only two minutes long! You're making a Fidel Castro speech sound terse! What part of 'get to the point' don't you understand?"

The point happens to be that I was friends with both William Ayers and Jeremiah Wright. Sooner or later the public is going to see the pattern, so I need to construct a narrative where Bill's terrorist acts can be placed in a larger context of angst in America. See?

Axelrod: [shouting] "Will you leave the frickin campaign strategy to me? Listen, just get up there on the podium on Tuesday and deal with the problem at hand! [slamming down the phone] Next time, I run a professional actor for president.

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