Tuesday, March 18

Wattel Toys unveils Barack Obama talking doll

We at Wattel Toy Company are dedicated to educating children through play. So we are proud to present a doll that teaches children to answer embarrassing personal questions by telling a story.

After a few weeks of playing with the Obama Narrative Doll, children ages 4 to 8 won't need to agonize about whether to lie or tell the truth. They will grow up secure in the knowledge that there are no rights and wrongs; there are only narratives!

We're thrilled to give you a demonstration of our adorable doll, which we'll have in stores in time for this year's holiday shopping season:

Hi! I'm Barack Obama! Press my tummy to hear me say, "I wuv you."

Give me a hug to hear me tell narratives:

Look, Chicago is a small town. So there's nothing strange about the coincidence of my happening to find employment with a law firm that represented Rezmar after I turned down employment with Tony Rezko.

Look, Chicago is a big city. With all that's going on there how could I be expected to know that Tony was accused of ripping off a minorities economic program and raking in millions of dollars in the process?

Really? Penny Pritzker was involved in a subprime bank loan scheme that hurt minority home buyers in Chicago and around the United States? I never heard anything about it. And until I hear from Penny herself that she intended to hustle minorities she'll stay on as my campaign finance chair, she'll remain my friend, and I won't return any of her donations going back years.

I really don't like it that you're insinuating that powerful people who became key supporters of mine preyed on minorities. I'm a minority and Tony and Penny never preyed on me. They just happened to be the kind of people who were attracted to me.

Look, in my position I couldn't be expected to be involved in the problems of a few hundred apartment dwellers in my district; those things are for an alderman to deal with. I'm sorry to hear the apartments were in dangerously bad condition and that the city had to sue Rezmar to get the heat turned on during freezing weather. But until I hear from Tony himself that he intended to hurt those constituents of mine, he'll remain my friend.

Now who's hair splitting? Just because the apartments for seniors were only four blocks outside my state senate district, that doesn't mean I was doing Tony a favor by sending off a few form letters in support of the project's financing. The project was to have a wellness center and social services, so it's a shame it wasn't built in time for all those people who shivered in unheated apartments in Tony's other buildings.

What a question! Whose word are you going to take -- mine or that of a FBI mole? I can't recall exactly how often I visited Tony in his office but -- all the time? Really!

Well, give me the name of those three sources who said I was on the phone with Tony every day. I can't recall exactly how many times we talked on the phone over a period of 17 years but -- every day? Really!

For the last time I'm telling you that the house and lot purchases were so complicated that maybe only Nadhmi Auchi's accountants could understand them. But take my word that Tony and I did nothing wrong, and even if we did it was an honest mistake due to the complexity of the deals.

There is something you need to get straight. The Chicago press did not absolve me of wrongdoing after they interviewed me on March 14, 2008. The Chicago Sun Times and Chicago Tribune had already absolved me, several weeks before, by endorsing my candidacy for US President. On March 14 I did them a favor by getting them off the hook, not the other way around.

You should learn that what you think of me doesn't matter; it's what you think of yourself that matters. If you develop a positive attitude and don't get bogged down in fault-finding you can move mountains. That's what the Obama Narrative Doll is here to teach you. And just remember, I wuv you.

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