Friday, May 20

Because it's Friday

[looking at her watch] H'mmmmm. Comradess Uppity will still be laboring in potato field. Hah. I will go steal her blog's latest kitties banner as a prank. [computer keyboard tapping sounds] What the fribbit? Stoned-looking penguins floating in the sky? What kind of blog banner is that?
The “Up All Night Wondering If My Ass Will Be Raptured” thread
Posted on May 20, 2011 by Uppity Woman

Listen, I heard that some crackpot says the Rapture date of tomorrow is wrong and it’s Coming at 6 PM tonight. I assume that’s Eastern Time, so you Californians get a couple of extra hours of depravity. Since The Hour is nearly upon me I am writing really fast to get this post up under the wire, just in case. I hate being rushed!

Well, I’m all dressed, in case I fall asleep tonight and get raptured in the morning before I get a chance to get dressed. I’ve always been conscious of looking right. I always get the sense that if I look too scruffy, my late mother will reach down and smack me upside the head, you know?

As I discussed in my Rapture Preparatory Plan post, I am dressed in warm clothing because it does get rather cold starting at about 15,000 feet and I hate being cold. The problem is, it’s hot as hell here, so I had to crank up the AC. Not that I care how much it costs, since I won’t have to pay the bill anyhow, right?

I also have my carry-on packed and am keeping it attached to my body so if I get raptured, it will automatically come with me. Otherwise, having been swept right out of my shoes, I might not have time to grab my bag. I hate going anywhere without snacks and a bottle of water. I decided that, in addition to some easy-to-carry peanut butter crackers, I am bringing a couple of bananas and apples. Most of those church mooches I’ve known roundly reject fruit and vegetables, preferring greasy high-calorie treats, so I figure I won’t have to share with some lazy, unprepared sponger on the way up. And I can give the crackers to any babbling religious pontificators I run into to shut them up. Let’s face it, peanut butter is great for that.

I also packed a bottle of Pinot Noir. I don’t figure they will let me in with that, but I plan to finish it off before I get up there and drop the empty bottle. Hope I don’t hit anybody down here. I also packed my toothbrush and deodorant. Not sure if we will use that stuff up there, but I always pack those things.

I even put a bra on and I hate those damned things ...
I can't take any more. I keep telling her moonshine from potatoes makes you crazy.


Anonymous said...

I thought it was something other than moonshine?


Pundita said...

LOL. The essay had me in stitches. Priceless practicality in the face of doom.