The “Up All Night Wondering If My Ass Will Be Raptured” threadI can't take any more. I keep telling her moonshine from potatoes makes you crazy.
Posted on May 20, 2011 by Uppity Woman
Listen, I heard that some crackpot says the Rapture date of tomorrow is wrong and it’s Coming at 6 PM tonight. I assume that’s Eastern Time, so you Californians get a couple of extra hours of depravity. Since The Hour is nearly upon me I am writing really fast to get this post up under the wire, just in case. I hate being rushed!
Well, I’m all dressed, in case I fall asleep tonight and get raptured in the morning before I get a chance to get dressed. I’ve always been conscious of looking right. I always get the sense that if I look too scruffy, my late mother will reach down and smack me upside the head, you know?
As I discussed in my Rapture Preparatory Plan post, I am dressed in warm clothing because it does get rather cold starting at about 15,000 feet and I hate being cold. The problem is, it’s hot as hell here, so I had to crank up the AC. Not that I care how much it costs, since I won’t have to pay the bill anyhow, right?
I also have my carry-on packed and am keeping it attached to my body so if I get raptured, it will automatically come with me. Otherwise, having been swept right out of my shoes, I might not have time to grab my bag. I hate going anywhere without snacks and a bottle of water. I decided that, in addition to some easy-to-carry peanut butter crackers, I am bringing a couple of bananas and apples. Most of those church mooches I’ve known roundly reject fruit and vegetables, preferring greasy high-calorie treats, so I figure I won’t have to share with some lazy, unprepared sponger on the way up. And I can give the crackers to any babbling religious pontificators I run into to shut them up. Let’s face it, peanut butter is great for that.
I also packed a bottle of Pinot Noir. I don’t figure they will let me in with that, but I plan to finish it off before I get up there and drop the empty bottle. Hope I don’t hit anybody down here. I also packed my toothbrush and deodorant. Not sure if we will use that stuff up there, but I always pack those things.
I even put a bra on and I hate those damned things ...
Friday, May 20
[looking at her watch] H'mmmmm. Comradess Uppity will still be laboring in potato field. Hah. I will go steal her blog's latest kitties banner as a prank. [computer keyboard tapping sounds] What the fribbit? Stoned-looking penguins floating in the sky? What kind of blog banner is that?